Dear Comrade Jeremy Cronin

South African Communist Party headquarters,

1 Karl Marx Street,

Johannesburg

 

Dear Comrade Jeremy Cronin,

Comrade, this is a very angry letter. I am very disappointed in you. No, more than that: my spirit is utterly broken when I think about you, Comrade. You have let me down, you’ve let the South African Communist Party down, you’ve let the Tripartite Alliance down and if you weren’t an atheist, I’d have said you’ve let the Lord down as well.

 

You have made Julius Malema and the Youth League angry. This is not a good thing at all, Comrade! Let me explain something about Julius to you, that you might not know, being a mere Communist Party member and all that. You must think of the Tripartite Alliance as an eccentric family. The ANC and SACP are the oft-estranged parents. COSATU is the scary uncle with prison tattoos and violent temper. The ANC Youth League and the Yong Communist’s League would be the children in this strange union. Julius Malema would then be the slow child, the one who causes the most trouble but gets away with it because everyone feels sorry for him. Everyone would tolerate his noise, and his embarrassing outbursts, because “he can’t help himself”. What you’ve gone and done is to try and correct this child, and by that you’ve upset everyone, including the slow child, Juju. It’s like everyone had agreed that Julius could pee in the sink, run on the stairs, slobber and slurp at the table, poo in his pants and scream as loud as he could because, you know, he’s the slow one and can’t help himself. Now you’ve tried to discipline him, and he’s not used to that. You’ve upset him. And when Juju is upset, he comes running to us, the ANC. His problems become our problems. Do you now realise just what you have done, Comrade?

 

Now that Julius has come to us, and now that his problems are our problems, you’ll have to deal with us. We’re not pleased about your conduct. As deputy General Secretary of the SACP, it should have been clear to you a long time ago that you are far down the pecking order of power and influence. How dare you expose the cracks in the Tripartite Alliance? Was it not explicitly said at the Polokwane Conference that any rifts in the Alliance would be hidden from the public, no matter what the implications for the country might be? If you don’t believe me, look up Polokwane Resolution #00000009/03: “Any rifts in the Tripartite shall be hidden from the public, no matter what the implications for the country might be.” As you can see for yourself, you are in direct contravention with a Polokwane Resolution. The actions of the Communist Party over the weekend have exposed the rifts within the Alliance. This is your fault. I’m sure I’ll have figured out why you are to blame, rather than Blade Nzimande or Gwede Mantashe before this letter reaches you.

This brings me to my other point. Since when has the Communist Party been the tail that wags the dog within the Alliance? Since the 40s, you say? Pah! Your place in the Alliance is to provide us, the ANC, with expertise necessary to run the country. We, in turn, give you a few minor Cabinet positions. That’s the deal! The ANC is still top dog, here. It’s simple: Blade is a mere Higher Education and Training Minister, and also the SACP General Secretary. You are the deputy General Secretary and Deputy Transport Minister. Gwede Mantashe is the Secretary General of the ANC as well as being the Chairperson of the SACP. Gwede Mantashe reports to Jacob Zuma as the Secretary General of the ANC. Blade Nzimande reports to Jacob Zuma as a Cabinet Minister. You report to Jacob Zuma as a deputy Cabinet Minister. Ergo, Jacob Zuma is boss of all. There you go, problem solved. As long as the Communist Party knows its place within the Alliance, all will be well.

 

When Julius Malema sent you that sms, saying you would see what was coming if you tried to go against him, he wasn’t joking. This stern letter of admonishment was what was coming.

 

Consider yourself warned, Comrade.

 

Yours in the Spirit of Tripartite Unity At All Costs,

COMRADE GOOD CHARLIE, Minister for the Internal Understanding of New and Confusing Polokwane Resolutions

Dear Eskom Boss… whoever you are

The CE of Eskom (Whoever The Hell That Is),

Megawatt Park,

Sunninghill,

Sandton

Dear Jacob Maroga,

Or Bobby Godsell. Or Jacob Maroga. Or Mpho Makwana… Bugger this. Dear Whoever is in charge of Eskom right now. Actually, I’d love to know exactly who is in charge of the country’s sole power utility, because so far as I can tell, no one in government, the media or the public in general seems to know whom we get to blame for the country’s power outages. news24.com called you chaps Eksom. See? You’ve managed to confuse the media as to you even are. This is an unacceptable state of affairs. The Eskom CE is something of an institution. He’s the guy we blame for everything. This is like robbing that awful sitcom Friends of Chandler Bing, not to mention that this important letter will now have to be left with the security guard at the gate, who will no doubt use it as a coaster for his tupperware dish of oily chicken till Megawatt Park has a chief he can deliver it to.

See, here’s the thing. Everyone who’s got an opinion on the Eksom matter is missing the mark. I was down in the Ministry’s canteen a few minutes ago making a cappuccino (yes, the Minister for Internal Understanding makes his own coffee. You can’t trust these public-official types with as delicate a task as making a cappuccino) when the power tripped, just as I was steaming my government-issue milk. My shot of espresso was ready, but I was without steamed milk. Can you imagine my agony, as I frantically phoned around, to find out whether any other buildings in the vicinity had electricity? But I was destined to be disappointed. Apparently it was a city-wide outage and it was your fault, Eksom. I got someone to call you to ask what the matter was, only to be told that there was no Chief Executive at Eksom. Here’s where I begin to get annoyed. Who do I complain to? Barbara Hogan? That won’t solve my problem. I don’t particularly care anymore who runs the place, as long as I can get electricity to my espresso machine!

This brings me to Jacob Maroga. This is the guy who generously padded his own pockets in the midst of last year’s load shedding fiasco. He paid himself handsomely while the country lost millions upon millions due to power outages. Outrageous! Everyone knows that the only people who are allowed to get away with such behaviour are high-ranking government officials. Eksom isn’t in the government, even though it is owned by the government. So I’m afraid Eksom executives will have to lift their socks, get off their bottoms and do some work, unlike us government officials. Hey, that’s the burden of being an elected official, answerable to no one but the 45 million or so people in the country. If you want to be paid millions to do nothing, you’ll have to become a government minister. This sort of misunderstanding makes me wonder whether I shouldn’t perhaps write a green paper entitled Who Gets To Plunder Public Funds Whilst Doing Absolutely Nothing, A Guide. I would too, except that would be working, something which is in direct contravention with my job description as a government minister.

If you’re familiar at all with the publications of the Ministry of Internal Understanding (and as Eksom boss, you should be!) you’ll know that I’ve published a widely read Guideline To The Race Card. It has been circulated amongst government departments as well as our alliance partners, and we’ve seen some remarkable improvements in race-cardisms coming from government. However, I was terribly disappointed to see the Black Management Forum (BMF) and the ANC Youth League hauling out the race card against Bobby Godsell, the former chairperson at Eksom. I can understand the ANCYL using the race card all wrong, being barely able to read and all that, but the BMF? I thought those guys were smart people in pinstripe suits and bald heads. Clearly this country’s illiteracy issues are more widespread than previously thought. The BMF and YL accused Bobby Godsell of racism because of Maroga’s resignation. I know, their reasoning barely makes any sense to anyone. They are, of course, smoking their socks. Bobby Godsell was a great asset to COSATU in the pre-1994 years, working alongside Cyril Ramaphosa. Anyone who works alongside Ramaphosa and COSATU can’t possibly be racist. You can no more accuse Bobby Godsell of being racist than you can accuse Ngconde Balfour of being handsome.

Besides, this racism debate is clouding the real issue here: How am I to make a cappuccino without any electricity? Look, I can solve your problem very easily. Get someone who knows what the hell they’re doing into power at Eksom (excuse the pun). Get that person to whip some esprit de corps into the workforce there. Make some electricity. Simple.

I hope that your security guard will pass this on before my espresso gets cold…

Yours in Watts and Power,

COMRADE GOOD CHARLIE, Minister for the Internal Understanding of New and Confusing Polokwane Resolutions

Dear Angry Mob

Sakhile Township,

Standerton,

Mpumalanga

 

Dear Angry Mob,

 

Wow, guys. I got your last message and it was so beautifully written. People are so clichéd and lame nowadays, you know. They seem to think that an angrily worded letter will get the government’s attention. But you chaps went the extra mile. You used the powerful mode of song to get your message across. Beautiful! Hold on, what’s that you say? Yours Truly, Angry Mob wasn’t written by the residents of Sakhile township in Mpumalanga?

 

Oh. Cringe. I was wondering why the Ministry of Internal Understanding had been asked to address five malcontent blokes in Leeds.

 

I am in actual fact talking to the people in Sakhile who are toyi-toying, burning tires, blocking traffic and generally making a nuisance of themselves. Now, I realise that being destitute can be a bit of a downer. All that starvation, poor service delivery and death can’t be good for morale. I remember when we used to be the uprising masses, back in the days of the Struggle (oh, the nostalgia!). We had to make do with very little, you know. Our Communist backers weren’t the most benevolent of sponsors. Generosity went against their Marxist principles, apparently. Believe me when I say I know how siff being poor and powerless can be. Tables have turned for us nowadays, haven’t they? We’ve finally gotten our turn at the feeding trough, and we’re snout deep in the muck, gorging ourselves. Comrades are lining their pockets like Karl Marx was nothing more than an obscure 19^th century offal merchant. One can almost forgive a chap like Trevor Manuel for spending the better part of R1million on a new luxury car. Courtesy of the taxpayer. He was just being his sauvignon sipping, capitalist self. But I think there is cause for much throat-clearing when old Communists like Dr. Blade Nzimade splurge on new vehicles, again courtesy of Thabo Taxpayer. Thank you muchly by the way, dear taxpayer. “Well, what about us” you say?

 

 

Government is committed to helping needy communities such as yours, just as soon as government has helped itself to the country’s coffers. Be realistic, township protesters! One can’t be expected to deliver on a government mandate in a Ford Granada. And think of it, in developed countries government ministers fly around in helicopters. You should all get down on your knees and thank our government officials for taking the more economical option. Can you imagine the brouhaha had Siphiwe Nyanda opted for a Rooivalk instead of a BMW? For the first time in many, many months Helen Zille would actually have something to be sour about.

 

Nevertheless, there’s nothing to fear, protesting people. The President of the Republic has sent Julius Malema into your midst, to tell you all sorts of encouraging things. There’s our commitment to good governance right there. Never mind that revolutionary rhetoric does not the stomach fill, nor the naked body clothe. And we have also decided to issue this letter to you as a community, to tell you that street protests are very bad for foreign investment. We have the World Cup to worry about. We can’t have people dying in the streets just because you want food and shelter. You know how these foreigners are with things like economic disparity, basic living conditions and responsible governments.

 

So angry people, be happy and remember: Together We Can Do More!

 

Yours Truly,

COMRADE GOOD CHARLIE

Minister for the Internal Understanding of New and Confusing Polokwane Resolutions

The Art of Political War

 

National Planning Commission Headquarters,

28 Adam Smith Drive,

Pretoria.

 

 

Dear Trevor Manuel,

 

How goes it, Comrade? Wait, don’t throw

this letter away! I’m only pulling your leg, old chap. I know you’re not a Marxist-Stalinist-Leninist-Maoist. I’m a fellow capitalist, myself. One must unfortunately keep up appearances for the sake of the hoi polloi, who somehow believe that the Communists and Trade Unionists (or tracksuit-top wearers, as I prefer to call them) are running the land. Can you imagine any of those frothing Reds with their ashy ankles and boozy countenances being in actual power? Neither can I. They get the Security Clusters. We get the goose, and its golden eggs.

 

The succession battle has begun! Political manoeuvring is under way. How I found this out is quite shocking – I read of it in the Mail & Guardian. I sent Comrade Gwede Mantashe a stern letter of admonishment after that one. I thought we were spying on the M&G, not using them as our distributor of internal releases and notices. But I’m sure you don’t bother yourself with these unsavoury matters, dear chap. One can’t when one has a National Planning Commission to run.

 

Having said that, there are many of us who would really like to see you actually getting into the thick of things, politically speaking. By that I mean that we want you to become the next ANC President. Before you dismiss this out of hand, consider for a moment the position we find ourselves in. Jacob Zuma and his henchmen will most assuredly not last for very long. They made too many promises to far too many people for them to be able to keep everyone happy for too long. Who will rise up to replace them? Gwede Mantashe? Possibly. But hasn’t he pinned his colours rather too firmly to the Zuma banner to survive the fallout, when it eventually comes? The same applies to Kgalema Motlanthe. And I can’t for one second bear the thought of this country falling into the hands of people like Zwelinzima Vavi, Fikile Mbalula or God forbid, ‘Juliarse’ Malema. Something must be done. And I have a plan…

 

The Ministry of Internal Understanding has been commissioned by the politburo to write a document aiding comrades in their political careers. The MIU isn’t supposed to release this document till 2011, but we’ll let you have a sneak peak anyway. Technically speaking, the version attached below will never be published, for reasons you will no doubt gather for yourself. I present, for your consideration, The Art of Political War.

 

The Art of Political War

 

• Remain inconspicuous, preferably by towing the party line and having no opinions of your own. Not only will this guarantee a measure of safety (enemies always disregard a discreet enemy), your fellow contenders will also amass all the mistakes, which you can use as political ammunition later on.

• Meet secretly with the Communists and Trade Unionists, and get them to pledge their support (by using words like Comrade, the masses, proletariat and the Struggle). They make terrible bed fellows, but one needs them. (the hoi polloi, remember?)

• Publicly deny any desire on your part to join the succession battle.

• Get the ANC Women’s League to nominate you. How to get the ANCWL to agree on anything is still something of a mystery to the MIU.

• Begrudgingly accept the nomination, then disappear.

• Wait for a few days, then suddenly storm onto the public scene, shaking hands at random municipalities and kissing people’s babies. Get photographed sitting on the floor in some dismal hovel. Don’t forget the baby kissing thing. People always fall for it.

• Invoke the support of God, the Church, the Communist Party and Trade Unions, the Masses, Nelson Mandela etc. etc. etc.

• Get your own brace of bodyguards, because you know, you never know.

• Begin campaigning in earnest by visiting branches and speaking about the National Democratic Revolution.

• Finally, at the ANC Conference, accuse your political opponents of conspiracy and selling out the Movement. That one is always a winner, old boy.

 

Obviously much more needs to be done before the next ANC Conference, but this is where it starts, President Manuel! We can also, if you like, rake up any shady deals and questionable practices that your fellow ANC top dogs have been involved in, and use those to silence any opposition that may arise. Lord knows, that one won’t be too difficult. The NEC isn’t exactly a Methodist Bible group, is it?

 

Yours Truly,

COMRADE GOOD CHARLIE

Minister for the Internal Understanding of New and Confusing Polokwane Resolutions

Awulethe iPolygamy Yami…

The Only Post Box,

Indaka Municipality,

Weenen,

KwaZulu Natal

 

Dear Mr. Milton Mbhele,

 

First of all, I believe congratulations are in order. We were all happy to read about your marriage. Marriages. It’s always a delight to read about fellow government officials who decide to move their extramural activities from the office to the safety and comfort of their homes. With the blessing of the Church, of course.

 

It is so refreshing to see a man of power and possessions keep to the ways of our heroic forefathers. One finds all too often that these younger generations now choose to abandon the old customs in favour of imported values and traditions. But one still has hope for Africa when one finds a man like you, Mbhele. Four wives. Eleven children. What more could a man want in this world?

 

You know, I’ve been reading up on the articles and opinions about your historical and amazing marriages. People in general, and the Western media in particular, seem to think that the issue of polygamy is somehow related to gender disparity and sexism. They seem to believe that polygamy treats women as possessions. They have other nonsensical arguments as well, but I have no wish to bore you with the watery bile of the Western media. From what I see, you are clearly a man of means. You reportedly spent R600 000 for a single funeral in June. The costs incurred by your own wedding ceremony were impressive, even by government standards. The tent alone cost R45 000. You paid 32 cattle for lobola. And slaughtered 8 more for the wedding feast. 40 CATTLE?! Chief, I don’t mind telling you, I’m sitting here in my plush offices, gnashing my teeth in envy. Beef blood has not flowed like this, not since the good days of uManyosi, that famous induna of Dingane, who could consume an entire goat in one sitting. As you probably know, out here in the city, one cannot slaughter so much as one, small ox without some powdered cow called Tracey-Leigh fainting dramatically on SABC3. Then the SPCA gets called out… Remember Tony Yengeni? But I digress.

 

What I am doing by pointing out things you are obviously well aware of, is to show that you are a man of some standing in this world. You are not short in the pocket. When an honourable man of wealth and power casts his eye around him, and sees the pitiful plight of the women who never had the same opportunities as himself, what does he do? Doe he turn his back on them? No! He marries them. All of them. He enfolds and envelopes these poor souls in his warm grasp. He embraces them to his ample bosom. Don’t be intimidated by the pathetic disapproval of these Eurocentric scribes, my man. You and I know that polygamy is a very high calling indeed.

 

However, there is a slight overlook that we need to address, chief. As a council member and a municipal manager, you are a government official. This means that you are under the guidance of the National Government. Never mind that the Constitution stipulates that National Government shall not interfere too much in the business of local government… Also, the fact that your municipality is controlled by the IFP should not come in between us. After all, our National President stated in his State of Nation address earlier this year that the government would aim to work with opposition parties, rather than against them. We as the Ministry of Internal Understanding have taken these words to heart and are doing our best to extend the Resolutions taken at the Polokwane conference to all facets of government, ANC-controlled or not.

 

One of the mandates that was taken was that no one in government was to usurp the President of the country in any way. I’m sure that you are aware of the controversies surrounding our President prior to his deployment to the Presidency. We have decided that it is in the country’s best interests that the President should appear to be on top of everything that happens in his own government. This is why we were a bit disappointed to see that you had literally out-married the President without letting anyone at the Ministry of Internal Understanding or the Office of the Presidency know! Mfowethu, be it far from us to limit the number of wives you take on. But at least give us a heads-up so we can give our President time to find more wives. This business of lesser government officials being more polygamous than President Zuma is just not on, I’m afraid. Again, we’re not saying that one shouldn’t marry as many women as one likes. It’s legal, after all.

 

I speak for the President when I say:

 

Awulethe ipolygamy yami, ngiyayidinga!

 

Yours in the Spirit of Inkosi uSenzangakhona, and his 16 wives,

COMRADE GOOD CHARLIE

Minister for the Internal Understanding of New and Confusing Polokwane Resolutions

10 Conditions For Transition To Communism, 2.1

It has come to the attention of the Ministry of Internal Understanding that the Communist and trade unionist faction of the Tripartite Alliance has expressed some disgruntlement at the fact that the long awaited shift to the Left has not yet occurred. In fact, this faction claims that the country is now steadily moving to the Right.* Comrades, nothing could be further from the truth! The country is still on track to achieving the objectives of the National Democratic Revolution.

The government has established a controlling Politburo, otherwise known as the Planning Commission within the Presidency, to oversee the functionality of key government structures. How is that not like the Kremlin, Comrades?

 

However, in the interest of putting Communist minds at ease, the Ministry has compiled a list of 10 Conditions for Transition to Communism, 2.1, which shall demonstrate to Comrades just how far we’ve come as a country to achieving Communism.

10 Conditions For Transition To Communism, 2.1

1. Abolition of property in land and application of all rents of land to public purposes, like that one guy who was caught selling free government housing. As long as that cash ended up in the hands of a public official, then all is well. 
2. A heavy progressive or graduated income tax, otherwise known as the Sin Tax. The Department of Tax Collection shall exercise heavier progressiveness when taxing counterrevolutionary, bourgeoisie Sins such as cigars, whiskey and cane spirits. This tax shall not be extended to members of the Tripartite Alliance, who would otherwise be incapable of fulfilling their mandates without these medicinal aids. 
3. Abolition of all right of inheritance. This rule is primarily aimed at colonialist, feudal landlords and their sons. No colonialist farmer shall be allowed to pass his lands onto his descendants. Preferably, the people shall repossess this land before the colonialist has the chance to bequeath it to any offspring he might have. 
4. Confiscation of the property of all emigrants and rebels. Or in the South African context, confiscation and destruction of the property of all immigrants from other African countries, preferably by an angry mob. 
5. Centralisation of credit in the hands of the State, by means of a national bank with State capital and an exclusive monopoly. Unfortunately, we are very far behind in terms of fulfilling this requirement, Comrades. The bourgeoisie class is still permitted to own banks, and extend credit to the masses. Class slavery is still the order of the day in this country, Comrades! 
6. Centralisation of the means of communication and transport in the hands of the State. In other words, all high-ranking State officials shall be equipped with the latest in Blackberry, iPhone and BMW technology. 
7. Extension of factories and instruments of production owned by the State; the bringing into cultivation of waste-lands, and the improvement of the soil generally in accordance with a common plan. A good starting point in this regard would be using Patricia de Lille as manure… 
8. Equal liability of all to labour. Establishment of industrial armies, especially for agriculture. Of course, if this agricultural army turns out to be a horde of angry Boere, this clause will not apply in that instance. These armies shall be known as Trade Unions and shall arm themselves accordingly. 
9. Combination of agriculture with manufacturing industries; gradual abolition of the distinction between town and country, by a more equitable distribution of the population over the country. Comrade Tokyo Sexwale, Minister of Human Settlements has already pointed out that people who live in the cities shouldn’t fetch their uncles from the rural areas to come and cohabitat in the cities. It’s really bad for equitable distribution, this practice. 
10. Free education for all children in public schools. Abolition of children’s factory labour in its present form. Combination of education with industrial production. In that regard, the Ministry of Internal Understanding is happy to note that the ANC Youth League has decided to establish a school for young cadres, offering amongst other subjects, woodwork.

 

So you see, fellow Comrades, all is well. The Ministry of Internal Understanding will continue to keep a weather eye out on government. As soon as there is any sign that we are slipping into capitalistic tendencies, the Ministry shall be swift in fulfilling its important mandate.

 

 COMRADE GOOD CHARLIE

Minister of Internal Understanding

 

*For the benefit of the ANC Youth League, Left and Right does not refer to road directions, but rather to economic and political schools of thought.

Dear Comrade Secretary General…

The ANC Secretariat (the one on the 6^th floor),

Chief Albert Luthuli House,

54 Sauer Street,

Johannesburg

 

Dear Comrade Gwede Mantashe,

 

Yes, Comrade! This letter has been long overdue, but finally, here it is. And I know what your first thought is – these things usually work the other way around. It’s usually Luthuli House issuing directives to government. Eish, Comrade. Things do tend to fall apart. Now with this new Planning Commission in the Presidency, one often wonders why we even need an ANC National Executive Committee any more. Not to put any counterrevolutionary ideas into your head, Comrade. Where would Cadres go to sip on cognacs if we did away with the NEC? Incidentally, there seems to be a bit of confusion within the Ministry of Internal Understanding as to whom exactly is supposed to run the President, the Planning Commission or the Secretariat… it’s just a matter of delivering on our mandate to the right people, Comrade. But of course you understand these matters.

 

Comrade Secretary General, this letter was written with one purpose in mind – to find out where exactly you’ve been over the last few weeks! I will not mince words here, Comrade. We’ve been very pensive as a country. There have been service delivery protests, taxi strikes, other strikes, a small skirmish between the police and our troops right in front of the Union Buildings, and what-have-you… and yet not a squeak from our Leadership! Understandably, our President could not be expected to comment, as he is currently very busy with his new hotline. Our Vice President was having a braai on some deserted airfield in the middle of Africa. Trevor Manuel was undoubtedly busy Planning something… the rest of the Cabinet was scattered across the country’s BMW dealerships. Comrade Secretary General, I blush to say this, but you were the only Top Cadre left with apparently nothing to do but govern the country. So you see Comrade, it is not without foundation that I enquire as to your whereabouts at this critical time. As is clearly stipulated in Polokwane Resolution #34590/33: “The Top Cadres shall at all times attend to the running of the country. If the Cadres are of the opinion that not all of them need run the country at the same time, then at least one of them will be deployed to this task. If consensus on this deployment cannot be reached, Cadres shall draw straws, or perhaps Ching Chong Cha for it (rock-paper-scissors).” For the sake of internal record-keeping, we do require the esteemed Secretary General to report on his whereabouts at this stage.

 

However, the Ministry of Internal Understanding has noted that you are once again in our midst! We were very happy to see you speak up against Leonard Chuene. While we’re on the topic of Leonard Chuene, we as the Ministry of Internal Understanding would be most pleased to know that this man is not a fellow Comrade. As the Secretary General of the African National Congress, I’m sure you could take care of such things. You are obviously aware of this bumbling idiot, Comrade. Why he allowed himself to get caught lying by the media is beyond me. And on top of that, why he then didn’t accuse third forces of conspiring against him defies logic. Chuene is beyond help. I sincerely hope he wasn’t deployed to Athletics South Africa by the ANC. But the way in which he has conducted himself makes me think that he’s one of those capitalistic, career people and not a revolutionary and a cadre like ourselves.

 

We cannot have Comrades veering off the straight and narrow – or the hammer and sickle, as it were. We especially cannot have Comrades being caught with their proverbial trousers around their ankles by the media. The promised the country that the era of public gaffes is now behind us, after all.

 

I’ve also noted, not without some surprise, that the Succession Battle is now open. The Mail & Guardian was as good as to inform me of this new development; ahead of the Party structures, I might add! I didn’t receive that memorandum, Comrade Secretary General. My application to join the Battle will be hand delivered to you in person. I would also like to wish you the best of luck in the upcoming press conferences, denials, schemings and political back stabbings. It’s a long, long way to 2012, and undoubtedly many Comrades will be lost on the way…

 

Comrade, I know you’re a busy man. You have minutes to take at ANC meetings, minutes to take at South African Communist Party meetings and other Secretariat duties. I will not take up any more of your valuable time!

 

Your in the Spirit of Das Kapital and the Upcoming Succession Battle,

COMRADE GOOD CHARLIE, National Minister of Internal Understanding of the New and Confusing Polokwane Resolutions

 

 

With Regards to the Judicious Application of the Race Card

The Ministry for the Internal Understanding of New and Confusing Polokwane Resolutions has noted, with much alarm and shaking of jowls, that Cadres have been taking dreadful liberties with the revered Race Card, and using it in galling and unspeakable ways. The recent Caster Semenya saga springs to mind in that regard. To be honest, this is just one of many ways in which Comrades have been straying from the straight and narrow road, which is the National Democratic Revolution. The Ministry has therefore elected to compile a short Race Card crash course to aid Comrades in their daily struggles against the reactionary, right-wing, capitalist enemies.

 

Understandably, the more senior Comrades may find this guide to be old news, but it is important to revisit old teachings, Comrades.

 

The Beginner’s Guide to the Race Card

 

• The Race Card is a very potent weapon, Comrades. But like all weapons, it has its limitations. It is only effective against former oppressors. It is therefore only really available to the masses of an oppressed dispensation. Thus you cannot just cast the Race Card around willy-nilly as if it were koeksisters at a Boksburg braai. Once you’ve established that you are indeed an oppressed mass, and that your intended target is an oppressor, you can pull the Race Card.

• Like the nuclear bomb, the Race Card can be extremely potent, in the right hands. Just because it is such a powerful weapon, it doesn’t mean that Comrades can dispense with strategy. There is a very specific and delicate procedure for deploying the Race Card, which is guaranteed fool-proof.

• The Race Card works like this: if you find yourself in a sticky situation, with your options running out, your first line of defence should be the Race Card. You can’t first rely on defences like sexism and expect to be able to pull the Race Card when your initial defence fails. It’s either the Race Card first up or nothing. Otherwise you’ll end up looking silly like our northern neighbour, he with the Brazil-cut on his upper lip. He is an excellent example of the Imprudent Application of the Race Card. So remember Comrades, accuse your foe of racism first, then establish facts afterwards.

• If you have been smart about this so far, and have pulled out the Race Card at the first opportunity, almost any other retort will do at this point. Leonard Chuene, the president of Athletics South Africa really fouled things up with his defence of Caster Semenya. He pulled the Race Card after he had the IAAF of almost everything else. Juvenile mistake. Other forms of defence which work excellently (after the Race Card has been used): nepotism, favouritism, sexism, Eurocentric belief systems, imposition; in fact, almost anything that has -ism attached to the end.
  

• Finally, always remember that once you have deployed the Race Card, under no circumstances can you retract it. This isn’t a disadvantage, Comrade. You’ve got something to be obstinate about. As anyone will tell you, that is by far the best position to be in an argument.

 

We at the Ministry of Internal Understanding trust that Cadres will be more careful in the future with the use of the Race Card (yes, we’re looking right at you, Bra Stoff).

 

COMRADE GOOD CHARLIE

Minister of Internal Understanding

Dear Comrade Lindiwe Sisulu…

Dear Comrade Field Marshal Lindiwe Sisulu,

 

Comrade, please allow me first and foremost to express my congratulations at your appointment as the new Minister of Defence and Military Veterans. Or should I say, your deployment… since one of the most important Polokwane Resolutions taken was “Comrades shall no longer be appointed to positions. The new term shall be ‘deployment’, giving the impression that we are at war with someone. Look how well that outlook worked for George Bush. War on Terror. War on Drugs. War on Dick Cheney’s Hunting Partners…”

 

Speaking of war Comrade, how doff is it being Minister of Defence in times of perfect peace? I mean, in all seriousness, what is South Africa’s biggest foreign threat at the moment? The All-Blacks, perhaps? The Canadian Immigration Board? I think we would all understand if you decided that it was high time Lesotho rejoined the mother country. Someone recently said that with neighbours like Robert Mugabe and Eduardo dos Santos, the South African National Defence Force would do well to stay alert at all times. I chortled into my government-issue cereal when I read that. Bob can’t even deal with Morgan Tsvangirai. We have nothing to fear from our totalitarian neighbours.

 

But to get to the point of this letter: I was somewhat amused to read of the soldiers who marched on the Union Buildings the other day to protest their working conditions, for two reasons. One, I always thought that the South African National Defence Force was composed of three ou manne in playing dominoes on an old MiG-17 tire, in Vanderbijlpark. I was a bit surprised when it turns out that hundreds of taxi boys have made it into our army. Two, soldiers protesting their working conditions? But of course. Who wouldn’t be miffed if their job meant that they would have to go to Burundi to keep the peace? Unfortunately Comrade Field Marshal, I see no way around this problem, unless we start a war with another country…

 

What we don’t want to do is to have a full scale battle between our cops and our troops at the Union Buildings. Have you forgotten Polokwane Resolution #37413840/01: “Comrades shall not brawl in the streets like farm animals, but shall conduct all feuds in a comradely manner, where Helen Zille can’t see it happen”? I trust we shall hear no more of these embarrassing scuffles.

 

Lastly, how on earth are soldiers allowed to join trade unions? What is their trade? Lead? I’m getting fed up with the Unionists, their unshaven chins and tracksuit tops infiltrating every sector of our government! I am going to note this down for the next ANC conference as a new resolution: trade unionists will be driven out of government and back to whatever it is they’re supposed to do. Negotiate two-hour lunch breaks, I presume.

 

Yours in the Spirit of Polokwane Resolution #37413840/01

COMRADE GOOD CHARLIE, National Minister of Internal Understanding of the New and Confusing Polokwane Resolutions

To The Queen of the Cape…

Originally published when the Ministry of Internal Understanding decided to take Comrade President Jacob Zuma’s words about working with the Opposition to heart, by sending Helen Zille a congratulatory letter…

18 Foreveryoung Drive,

Democratic Alliance Headquarters,

Cape Town

 

Dear Mrs. Newly-Elected Premier

 

How are you? Haha, silly question! You’re as fit as a fiddle and younger than ever before! The newspaper people were as kind as to give us an update on your ‘treatment’ during the elections.

 

I say, please forgive me. I’m not sure whether you would want me to refer to you as “Mrs” Premier. Perhaps I should have said “Ms.” Premier. Because if you were going to be “Mrs.” Premier, you would have been calling yourself Helen Maree all along! “Miss” is most certainly out of the question. No one of your, er ‘youth’ and grace ought to be called “Miss”. This is all a bit confusing to me, being but a mere male and all. I’m tempted to call you Helen, but my Guide To Bias-Free Writing tells me that you may find this to be disparaging. Funny enough, the Guide advises me to be careful about calling you Ms. Apparently, if you were active during the first great wave of feminism (circa 1920′s), you may find this new title a little ironic. Perhaps that Botox treatment has kept you young since the 1840′s, for all I know. But I’ve wondered off-topic, as is my wont.

 

You may perhaps be wondering to what it is you owe the pleasure of this letter. I know that as a member of the ruling party, I am categorised by the DA Manual People of Whom We Approve as the enemy. In fact, the only people who are in the ANC and categorised as People Who May Receive Sporadic Praise are Barbara Hogan, Trevor Manuel and Jackie Selebi. Hahaha, the last one was a joke. I’ve read that manual, you see. It was lifted by a NIA operative from your secretary’s laptop, while I “entertained” her in the next room. I was teaching her how to best serve a person of power.

 

As I have said, you think I’m the enemy. That is not entirely true. You see, the President circulated a speech, called The State of the Nation, (I’m not sure how familiar you are with this brilliant piece of oration) in which he said that it is important to work together with the Opposition. We have already managed to tempt die Klein Krokodil, Pieter Mulder to join our ranks. As part of the President’s initiative, I’m going to teach you how to be a good Premier in our illustrious Province. You may want to sit down for the next bit. Yes, it’s that earth-shattering.

 

Being a Premier is incredibly easy. The first step is to call all your friends and family, and tell them that you have some MEC posts that are going to open soon, and you welcome their applications. But I see you’ve completely outdid the ANC. You filled the Provincial Cabinet with all your boyfriends and concubines! Comrade Julius Malema told this to us. We were amazed. You’ve been in Provincial power for less than 3 months, and yet you have already done what we as the ANC could only hope for. After all your friends, cousins and brothers have filled all the MEC positions, you can sit back and relax! Easy, no? But remember to make sure that the MEC for Finance at least knows how to beg. That person is the most important person in your Cabinet, because he is in charge of the goose that lays the golden eggs. He must be able to go every few months to the Finance Department, and knock hat-in-hand on Comrade Pravin Gordhan’s door. But try to keep the provincial coffers afloat for at least 6 months at a time. Comrade Gordhan has a very short temper, and hates to have his naps disturbed. The Provincial Budget is useful for the following: more dresses, a bigger house, your own bona fide blue-light convoy, more Botox, more red lipstick, snappier glasses, blue contact lenses, more concubines and perhaps even a Provincial mascot. I would suggest an albino python. They make excellent pets.

 

So please, for the sake of your own integrity stop it with all your extremist noises. As Comrade Gwiddy Maan-tushy (your pronunciation of Comrade Mantashe’s name cracks me up big time!) pointed out, you must do what can you do. Or was it Makhaya Ntini who said it? I trust we will hear no more of constitutional integrity, the rule of law, accountability, separation of powers and dictatorship from you. It’s really in bad taste to talk like that in South Africa. Most of us have just come out of exile! Can you please allow us to enjoy the fat of the land in peace? I’m looking forward to a long and prosperous relationship with your administration, based on friendship, mutual trust, bribery and government tenders.

 

So, please feel free to contact me at any time. Just call Comrade President Zuma on his new toll-free, direct line. I’ll get him to forward it to me. He’s just learnt how to do that, so he’ll be happy to put his new skills to the test.

 

Yours Truly,

COMRADE GOOD CHARLIE, Previous MEC for Government Tenders and Ass-Kissing in the Western Cape, of late the New National Minister for Internal Understanding of the New and Confusing Polokwane Resolutions

 

P.S. I remember misplacing a box of Monte Cristo cigars somewhere. I’ve read on news24.com that your staff found them in my offices. Can I please have them back? They were paid for with funds intended for a new provincial road, so they have a special sentimental value to me. I’m sure you’ll understand.