Dear Angry Mob

Sakhile Township,

Standerton,

Mpumalanga

 

Dear Angry Mob,

 

Wow, guys. I got your last message and it was so beautifully written. People are so clichéd and lame nowadays, you know. They seem to think that an angrily worded letter will get the government’s attention. But you chaps went the extra mile. You used the powerful mode of song to get your message across. Beautiful! Hold on, what’s that you say? Yours Truly, Angry Mob wasn’t written by the residents of Sakhile township in Mpumalanga?

 

Oh. Cringe. I was wondering why the Ministry of Internal Understanding had been asked to address five malcontent blokes in Leeds.

 

I am in actual fact talking to the people in Sakhile who are toyi-toying, burning tires, blocking traffic and generally making a nuisance of themselves. Now, I realise that being destitute can be a bit of a downer. All that starvation, poor service delivery and death can’t be good for morale. I remember when we used to be the uprising masses, back in the days of the Struggle (oh, the nostalgia!). We had to make do with very little, you know. Our Communist backers weren’t the most benevolent of sponsors. Generosity went against their Marxist principles, apparently. Believe me when I say I know how siff being poor and powerless can be. Tables have turned for us nowadays, haven’t they? We’ve finally gotten our turn at the feeding trough, and we’re snout deep in the muck, gorging ourselves. Comrades are lining their pockets like Karl Marx was nothing more than an obscure 19^th century offal merchant. One can almost forgive a chap like Trevor Manuel for spending the better part of R1million on a new luxury car. Courtesy of the taxpayer. He was just being his sauvignon sipping, capitalist self. But I think there is cause for much throat-clearing when old Communists like Dr. Blade Nzimade splurge on new vehicles, again courtesy of Thabo Taxpayer. Thank you muchly by the way, dear taxpayer. “Well, what about us” you say?

 

 

Government is committed to helping needy communities such as yours, just as soon as government has helped itself to the country’s coffers. Be realistic, township protesters! One can’t be expected to deliver on a government mandate in a Ford Granada. And think of it, in developed countries government ministers fly around in helicopters. You should all get down on your knees and thank our government officials for taking the more economical option. Can you imagine the brouhaha had Siphiwe Nyanda opted for a Rooivalk instead of a BMW? For the first time in many, many months Helen Zille would actually have something to be sour about.

 

Nevertheless, there’s nothing to fear, protesting people. The President of the Republic has sent Julius Malema into your midst, to tell you all sorts of encouraging things. There’s our commitment to good governance right there. Never mind that revolutionary rhetoric does not the stomach fill, nor the naked body clothe. And we have also decided to issue this letter to you as a community, to tell you that street protests are very bad for foreign investment. We have the World Cup to worry about. We can’t have people dying in the streets just because you want food and shelter. You know how these foreigners are with things like economic disparity, basic living conditions and responsible governments.

 

So angry people, be happy and remember: Together We Can Do More!

 

Yours Truly,

COMRADE GOOD CHARLIE

Minister for the Internal Understanding of New and Confusing Polokwane Resolutions

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