Dear Comrade Jeremy Cronin

South African Communist Party headquarters,

1 Karl Marx Street,

Johannesburg

 

Dear Comrade Jeremy Cronin,

Comrade, this is a very angry letter. I am very disappointed in you. No, more than that: my spirit is utterly broken when I think about you, Comrade. You have let me down, you’ve let the South African Communist Party down, you’ve let the Tripartite Alliance down and if you weren’t an atheist, I’d have said you’ve let the Lord down as well.

 

You have made Julius Malema and the Youth League angry. This is not a good thing at all, Comrade! Let me explain something about Julius to you, that you might not know, being a mere Communist Party member and all that. You must think of the Tripartite Alliance as an eccentric family. The ANC and SACP are the oft-estranged parents. COSATU is the scary uncle with prison tattoos and violent temper. The ANC Youth League and the Yong Communist’s League would be the children in this strange union. Julius Malema would then be the slow child, the one who causes the most trouble but gets away with it because everyone feels sorry for him. Everyone would tolerate his noise, and his embarrassing outbursts, because “he can’t help himself”. What you’ve gone and done is to try and correct this child, and by that you’ve upset everyone, including the slow child, Juju. It’s like everyone had agreed that Julius could pee in the sink, run on the stairs, slobber and slurp at the table, poo in his pants and scream as loud as he could because, you know, he’s the slow one and can’t help himself. Now you’ve tried to discipline him, and he’s not used to that. You’ve upset him. And when Juju is upset, he comes running to us, the ANC. His problems become our problems. Do you now realise just what you have done, Comrade?

 

Now that Julius has come to us, and now that his problems are our problems, you’ll have to deal with us. We’re not pleased about your conduct. As deputy General Secretary of the SACP, it should have been clear to you a long time ago that you are far down the pecking order of power and influence. How dare you expose the cracks in the Tripartite Alliance? Was it not explicitly said at the Polokwane Conference that any rifts in the Alliance would be hidden from the public, no matter what the implications for the country might be? If you don’t believe me, look up Polokwane Resolution #00000009/03: “Any rifts in the Tripartite shall be hidden from the public, no matter what the implications for the country might be.” As you can see for yourself, you are in direct contravention with a Polokwane Resolution. The actions of the Communist Party over the weekend have exposed the rifts within the Alliance. This is your fault. I’m sure I’ll have figured out why you are to blame, rather than Blade Nzimande or Gwede Mantashe before this letter reaches you.

This brings me to my other point. Since when has the Communist Party been the tail that wags the dog within the Alliance? Since the 40s, you say? Pah! Your place in the Alliance is to provide us, the ANC, with expertise necessary to run the country. We, in turn, give you a few minor Cabinet positions. That’s the deal! The ANC is still top dog, here. It’s simple: Blade is a mere Higher Education and Training Minister, and also the SACP General Secretary. You are the deputy General Secretary and Deputy Transport Minister. Gwede Mantashe is the Secretary General of the ANC as well as being the Chairperson of the SACP. Gwede Mantashe reports to Jacob Zuma as the Secretary General of the ANC. Blade Nzimande reports to Jacob Zuma as a Cabinet Minister. You report to Jacob Zuma as a deputy Cabinet Minister. Ergo, Jacob Zuma is boss of all. There you go, problem solved. As long as the Communist Party knows its place within the Alliance, all will be well.

 

When Julius Malema sent you that sms, saying you would see what was coming if you tried to go against him, he wasn’t joking. This stern letter of admonishment was what was coming.

 

Consider yourself warned, Comrade.

 

Yours in the Spirit of Tripartite Unity At All Costs,

COMRADE GOOD CHARLIE, Minister for the Internal Understanding of New and Confusing Polokwane Resolutions